I have kind of dreaded writing this post because I am about to talk about myself negatively. Who wants to do that right? But…if this blog is about my journey with MS, I really want to be honest and not ever seem like a hypocrite and only write the great things here and never the struggles. So here goes.
Last Thursday, I started feeling pretty rotten again. We had had Ladies Meeting on Tuesday night and I went on a shopping excursion Wednesday with some of the ladies from church (even though I did more sitting then shopping – preventative medicine you know), then church Wednesday night. So, it did not surprise me when I woke up Thursday morning not feeling so great. But, I wasn’t as bad as I thought I could have been with all the activity the couple days before. As the day wore on, I could feel myself getting worse and with that came a bad case of grumpies. I managed to stay pretty calm with the kids but my poor hubby. It seemed like everything he asked me, I was so snappy. I would think to myself “Why are you being so grumpy?” Thursday night, I barely got any sleep because of the pain and my legs spasming, so Friday I was grumpy again and feeling even worse. Jimmy, bless his heart, was trying to be very careful with what he said to me and I was trying not to talk because I was afraid of my own grouchiness. He had a quick appointment Friday evening in Cincinatti and asked if me and the kids wanted to ride along with him and we would eat at CiCi’s Pizza. I knew that he was trying to cheer me up, and I had felt bad for the kids. I really didn’t feel up to going but 5 sets of eyes were all looking at me begging to go so we went. It was sweet seeing how happy the kids were and the pizza was good, but before we ever got done eating I knew I probably shouldn’t have come. By the time we got back home, I literally could hardly get back into the house. Jimmy got me in, got me ready for bed, and tucked me in. Then, he took all the kids downstairs with him to watch a movie so it would be quiet so “Mommy can rest.”
I laid there, feeling like an absolute dog that I had been so grumpy with him. Why is it we take it out on the ones we love the most? I laid there, miserable and feeling sorry for myself (not a good combination). I decided that me and my Heavenly Father better have a talk. So, I started praying and thanking God for my wonderful husband. For his love and patience and compassion even when I had been ugly. I was comforted by the fact that the husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and how thankful I was that my precious Jimmy loved me like that. Then, I got to thinking about the Lord and His love for us. How that He loves us even when we fail Him, even when we mistreat Him, even when we ignore Him and His precious Word. He loves me anyway. His love never changes even if my heart is cold because He has perfect love. I thought about that passage that where Jesus was telling Jerusalem (who was doing so wrong) that He wanted to gather them together like a mother hen does her chicks under her wings. He wanted to “tuck them in” but they wouldn’t let Him. I don’t want to be like that. When He is longing to “tuck me in” I want to let Him.
I did not sleep well that night either but I did have a comfort in my heart knowing that even when I am not the Christian, or wife, or mother that I should be, He still loves me and wants to comfort me. I also went to sleep with a deeper love and appreciation for my hubby. I watched my wedding video this week and when I watched us say our vows, I cried. To hear my husband promise “in sickness or in health” was overwhelming to me. That day, we meant it but never gave it any serious thought. Today it means everything to me because he is living it.
My friend said to me that pain in our lives (whatever it may be) has a way of stripping the holiness facade from our lives and truly revealing what is in our hearts. Ouch!! I know she is right though. She said that when people have good health and everything is going well, it is easy to pretend. But when you are struggling, then the real deal comes out. My prayer is that when the pain is the worst, and the struggle is greater, that my heart can still continue to find comfort in my precious Lord. And it will, if I will turn to Him!
I am feeling a little better and hopefully my grouchiness is improving!:)
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee,
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee,
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
~ George Matheson