This post may has no title because I could not come up with just one. There are so many things running through my mind right now I don’t know if I will be able to get it all out where it make sense so please bear with me.
I have already mentioned in a previous post that I have been having trouble with my legs and they seem to have been getting weaker and weaker the last 3 months. On Wednesday of last week, I was very sick with a bad spell. I slept most of the day, trying to get up for a couple of hours, and unable to stay up. I slept through church and after church was over, a couple of ladies came over to stay with my children while Jimmy took some people home. They came in to check on me and I noticed that I did not feel the blankets on my legs. I just thought since I had been in one position they were just asleep. I woke up Thursday morning though, and I was paralyzed from my waist down. I have absolutely no feeling in my legs and am not able to move them at all. I have seen my doctor and at this time, we do not know if this will be permanent or temporary. Only time will tell that. Because I am 20 weeks pregnant, this causes a complication simply because of the limitations of medications in pregnancy. There really isn’t anything medicine-wise that they could do right now except a high dose treatment of steroids which my doctor does not think is safe for the baby. Even the steroids would not take away any paralysis, but if it is temporary, then it could maybe speed up the process a little. So, it is a wait and see thing. My doctor does think that it is possible that I have a more progressive form of MS, simply because every symptom that I have developed has never gone away. If that is the case, then I know that I must prepare myself that this could very well be a permanent situation. I would rather prepare my mind in that way and then be excited if it is temporary, then to constantly hope it is temporary and be disappointed and frustrated every day. I will be starting physical and occupational therapy this week. The doctor said physical therapy really won’t do anything because this is not a muscle problem – so, strengthening your muscles won’t do a lick of good. My muscles are fine. It is like talking to a deaf person and asking them to do something for you. They have the ability to do it, they would be able to do it if they could understand you, but since they can’t hear you, they cannot complete the command. So, my brain is telling my legs what to do, but they can’t “hear” it because the signal has been destroyed. He said we could try a little physical therapy though if we wanted too. Occupational therapy teaches you how to adjust your life to living in a wheelchair which I need major lessons in!
Now, as far as me and how I am doing with all of this. As you can imagine, this has been a huge shock. You know that with MS it is a possibility but I guess you never could really prepare yourself for the real deal. I could not write about this for a few days. It was all so overwhelming and I didn’t know what to say. I want to be perfectly honest in my feelings and emotions.
I was sad for Jimmy and him having to take care of me. I was sad for the kids and how life will be different in so many ways for our family. I was sad for myself because every tiny thing has become a challenge – from rolling over in bed to putting my socks on. There is an element of fear in knowing that an accident has not caused this but a disease and it could take even more away in the future – but I will not let myself dwell on this and am trying to just take it one day at a time. I am thankful the Lord has given me a spunky personality because I view every obstacle as a personal challenge and I am determined to do it by myself – even though my stubbornness has been foolish a time or two. For Jimmy, he said the shock hits him in waves like when someone suddenly dies. He said that he will be going along just fine and then it will hit him that his wife cannot walk. For me, it has not hit me like that, I guess because I live with the feeling (or lack of it) every second so it is always there. It hits me in little ways, like when I bowed my head to eat Thursday and I was going to silently pray over my food. I started my prayer with “Heavenly Father, thank you for this day….” That is as far as I could get. At this point, I cannot thank God for “that” day. There are many things about the day that I can be thankful for (my kids, my hubby, the sunshine, etc.), but to be thankful for “that” day – the dreaded day that no one with MS ever wants to think about – no, I am not thankful. Not yet. Jimmy said that God says that all things work together for good – not that all things are good. The importance is to trust the Lord and He will work ALL things for good – even the things that are not good. Another time, is at church a few times yesterday. Of course, just going to church in a wheelchair was very dreaded. But, I will not sit home and hide. Life must go on. But little things like, “Would each of you stand and take your hymn book…” or singing “Wherever He Leads, I’ll Go”. These are the things that seem to hit me. I know this will get easier with time.
Overall though, I feel that the Lord has helped me so very much. I have tried to see each challenge as an oppurtunity to find happiness in instead of frustration. I know this may sounds suprising, and I know a lot of it has to do with my personality ( I have a hard time with sadness), but there has been much laughter in this home the last few days. There are really so many comical things that have happened – yes, I know that in reality it may be viewed as sad because of the inability to do something. but in this learning process of how to do old things a new way, there have been a lot of comical moments. I think it is helpful to the children to keep the mood light and that it is okay, we will all learn to get through this with laughter at our awkwardnesses instead of sadness and anger. The kids are doing great and loving playing in the wheelchair.
I have been absolutely overwhelmed and humbled at all the love I have received. Yesterday at church, I got many cards and hugs and kisses. The ladies of my church had a meeting and are bringing us meals for the next 3 weeks at least. One lady is paying for a massage therapist to come to my house and give me a massage. I got flowers today from a dear friend in England. Our deacon’s son, who lives in Columbus, took today off from work just to go to different wheelchair stores to find out exactly what kind of wheelchair I will need to make me be able to be as independent as possible. He is going to see if they will let him bring a few home with him to try out and he is going to drive them to me so we can decide what I need. Another man owns a company that builds huge metal buildings and stuff. He is donating the lumber so we can get a ramp built for outside of the house. We have received numerous phone calls from people with “connections” who can help us get what we need. Ladies have offered to come clean, or do laundry and the blessings and love just keep pouring in. I truly feel like my “cup runneth over”.
So, my dear friends, you have just read my heart as accurately as I know how to write it. Please pray for my precious family and our church. They are so dear to me and this is a difficult time for all of them. I love each of you and am so thankful that I have so many loved ones that I can pour my heart to and know you truly care and love me and will pray.

15 thoughts on “

  1. It was an overwhelming love of a precious Saviour that sent Him to a cross to die for our sins, and it’s still an overwhelming love that He has for you, your children, and husband in allowing this trial and using you ALL to be a blessing and inspiration.


  2. Kay Cook, owner of Cook Photography, has had alot of success managing her MS with diet. (she has also had to do some steroids). I know she would be happy to talk to you about her experiences. 937-444-3434. Praying for you.Tim and Anne Guthrie


  3. I am so sorry to hear of all that you’ve gone through in the last few weeks. My heart is so broken for you. Please know that I am praying for you. You have been a tremendous blessing to me ( in our short acquaintance ) I only wish I could be close enough to “help” in some way. But, I will be praying that the Lord will continue to strengthen you and give you His grace. After all, our “help” really comes from Him anyway. I love you, dear friend, and my thoughts are with you.


  4. Hi. You don’t know me (and I don’t know you, other than what I read on your post), but I go to Temple Baptist Church and Stephanie Fowler sent me your posting. You are so encouraging. I, too have 5 children and my husband has been in full-time Christian service for about 10 years. So, I related A LOT to your post, but I’m afraid my attitude would probably not be as good as yours if our circumstances were exchanged! I will definitely be praying for you. We moved here from WV about 8 months ago so that my husband could get his Masters at Crown’s seminary. When we lived in WV, we went to see an iridologist. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of those (and we were very sceptical at first). They look at the lines in your eyes that connect to certain parts of your body. The iridologist we went to was a pastor in Monroeville, OH; he and his wife also sold herbs. I know you live somewhere in OH, so I thought you might want to look him up. The visit is always free; the herbs are what costs, but you don’t have to buy any. You can just talk to him and see if he has any suggestions. He has helped our family through countless illnesses and I have watched people go to him and seen them progress over the months. Just thought you might be interested. His contact number is (330)-407-0141 or (877)-383-7911. His name is Shaun.Thank you again for your precious blog. I will be praying for you and your family.Becky BonnellP.S. – Shaun isn’t a quack; he’s in his 40’s and has a sweet family.


  5. As your mother in law, Alicia, I am at a loss for words. My heart and Gerald’s breaks for you, all of you. I wasn’t expecting this, this soon. I can only imagine what you all must be going through. You do seem to be handling it as good as you can. I’m more of a cry baby. Gerald and I were talking about it today, he seems to always want to know why. Sometimes there is no why, its just acceptance. I could have a problem wondering why, but I choose to believe Gods way has a purpose, a reason, which I might not understand. But I choose to trust Him. Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so Life as you know it might be over, but a new adventure awaits you. I think with Gods grace, your faith, the prayers of your friends and family, you and Jimmy will get through this. All of our faith may grow to boundless boundries. After all we grow the most in sorrow, because we have to learn to lean on Him.


  6. Alicia, I feel that God has blessed me greatly by giving me you as my new friend. I read your post and wanted to reply except it has taken 1/2 hr to work out what username I logged in with and what my password was!All I remembered was that when I set it up I thought these will be the easily ones to remember… famous last words and all!Anyway your post drew my mind to the 3 hebrew boys Shadrach & co! who had to take a stand. Their faith was tested… Their response to what looked like the end of life – which is how ms can make you feel…- they said -ruthie version- "Our God is able to save us…but even if He chooses not to, we won't bow down to your idol!" There are times our faith has to take a defiant stand, an act of will. I know there must be times when your heart breaks with what you are going through, but My Lord is no man's debtor and he sees and rewards His children who choose to honour Him against all odds with those precious treasures found in dark places that Isaiah talks of. I wonder if you looked through the soldier's eyes who were trying to throw the three hebrew boys into the furnace, all you would see is the flames that meant certain death and no hope, but if we took our soldier's glasses off and put on our the faith prescription glasses that that the hebrew boys had… do you think that although the flames may still be there, the focus of our vision through faith would be our Lord Jesus himself, there, IN the flames. In that case what would seem disasterous to most (the flames of disability)we would determinly see through and throw ourselves towards our Saviour despite the apparent hopelessness of the flame, we find them to be a refining fire. Yes it will hurt and our nature recoils away from the pain and the heartache/frustrations ahead. But if our overwhelming desire is like the 3 hebrew boys to see our God glorified through everything that happenens in our lives, even if we don't want it to happen, thoses flame of persecution become a teacher in the ways of God's grace in a way that we could never have experienced before. It doesn't make it easier, but it does give a hope that our God uses these things which aren't good (as Jimmy said) to work together for good.This, I think, is a lesson I am still at the begining of learning in my life feeling the flames of ms. We have a graceous God and he is faithful and remains faithful when we are are crowded with doubts when the pain sweeps over us..for he cannot deny himself as Paul in Timothy tells us. My prayers are with you. Much love, Ruth


  7. Thank you for sharing your heart. That song that you shared in your last post is such a testimonial song. I haven’t thought of that one in such a long time. I wanted to share with you the verses and song that God gave when while going through my sickness in NH. Jeremiah 29:11-14 (11)”For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of PEACE, and not of evil, to GIVE YOU AN EXPECTED END. (12)Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me and I will hearken unto you. (13)And ye shall seek me and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (14)And I WILL BE FOUND OF YOU, saith the LORD and i will turn away your captivity…” He was talking to Isreal while in Babylonian captivity, but i knew that the verses were for me. Not that I thought God would heal me or change my circumstances (even though that is what I strongly desired), but that there were certain things that held me captive – my attitude toward the situation, my lack of will to live, my lack of faith, my lack of time that I spent with Him, or the lack of wanting to “sing”… I have turned to these verses to many times and they have encouraged my heart greatly.The song that I claimed during that time is “God Wants To Hear You Sing” The whole song is wonderful, but I love the chorus. God wants to hear you sing, When the waves are crashing ’round you, When the firey darts surround you,When dispair is all you see, God wants to hear your voice, When the wisest man has spoken,And said your circumstance is as hopeless as can be.That’s when God wants to hear you sing.I have prayed for you and your family so much these last few days and I will continue to do so. We serve a miracle working God. Sorry that my comment is almost as long as your post. :)I love you,April


  8. Dearest Alicia, Your daddy and I have sure done our share of crying these last few days, but we know that the Lord makes no mistakes. I know in my heart that you and your precious husband (and those grandbabies of ours) will bring glory to the Lord through all of this.”Wherefore glorify ye the Lord in the fires,” (Isa. 24:15) How this could happen to the most active, fun-loving child God gave us I cannot explain and I wouldn’t try to. However, it also happened to my child who faces every bump in life as a challenge and I’m confident you’ll learn to ride the waves instead of being beaten down by them. We love you so much, Alicia.Love,Your mom


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