This week has been a rough few days for me emotionally. It has been a “I do not like paralysis” kind of week. There have been three days in a row that I have been smacked in the face with something I really would have loved to do, but just absolutely could not do. I can typically handle the single episodes but when they stack up on me, it can get to me. Well, this week was just one of those weeks. I have felt a combination of emotions that ranged from feeling completely useless to just plain mad. I am afraid my poor husband has caught much of the brunt of it but I tell him to be proud because he doesn’t realize how much I DON’T say! I don’t think I have convinced him yet that he should be proud of that. I am afraid a negative attitude is still a negative attitude – even when you keep some of it inside.
During times like this, which thankfully are not very often, I always decide that I need counseling! So, I get my preachy tone going on in my head and I start chewing myself out and telling me to straighten up. I remind myself of the many wonderful things God has granted in my life. I tell me that my children are watching me so I need to be an example. I start thinking of all the things I am thankful for. This formula helps me every single time, but this time the thing that helped me the most was a line from a Christmas song.
“Do you see what I see…” made me stop and think about that question. I know what I saw. I saw two awesome boats that I would have loved to have toured with my friends and family but were completely inaccessible. I saw a downstairs basement that needs several handyman projects that I know how to do and want to do, but can’t do them very effectively because I can’t reach them! I saw my husband trying to catch up a mountain of laundry that should be my job. I saw an awesome door-to-door outreach going on at our church but know the reality of me getting to most doors is out of the question. I saw all these “problems” with paralysis that really frustrated me. I even looked in the mirror and saw a paraplegic with a rotten attitude and I don’t like her at all!
Through that song, it hit me how very self-centered I was. Do I see what I see? Yes, I do. Way too clearly! That is my problem. Then, I could hear the Lord asking me that question. “Alicia, do you see what I see?” No, I don’t and that is also my problem. My vision gets so nearsighted sometimes! I wonder what God sees. I have asked God to let me view this world the way that He does and to please use me to be a vessel to reach others. When He heard me pray and ask for those things from Him, did He see that it would involve the very things that have me frustrated this week?
When we ask God for these spiritual things, I am afraid we have visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads. Successful ministries, a perfectly ordered house, children who get tucked in every single night with a Bible story, high heels and aprons and the Martha Stewart award, and no miscarriages….or sickness….or death….or bankruptcy….or cheating spouses….or rebellious children…or paralyzed bodies. But God sees something different.
God sees His creation that is tormented with the effects of sin. God sees that Satan cannot have the victory in the life of His children. God sees that when we trust Him, He can take that torment and bring about a glorious victory in our lives. God sees that Satan’s vision of us will be blinded and He will turn our ashes into something beautiful. God sees His struggling child and He has pity on us and reaches out in compassion and mercy. God sees abundant grace that He loves to bestow on us when we need it the most. God sees a gal in a wheelchair down here struggling with a bad attitude and He lets the words of a little Christmas song touch her heart just when she needs it.
I am so thankful that God does not see me the way I see me. I am so thankful that He sees me through His vision for me. I am so thankful that He doesn’t respond to me the way I respond to myself sometimes. I am so thankful that He does not ride my emotional roller coaster. I am so thankful that when I am having a bad
day week, He is not. And I am so thankful for a little Christmas song to remind me to keep my eyes on Christ and to focus on what He sees in my life.
Do you see what I have seen? I hope so.