This week has been a rough few days for me emotionally. It has been a “I do not like paralysis” kind of week. There have been three days in a row that I have been smacked in the face with something I really would have loved to do, but just absolutely could not do. I can typically handle the single episodes but when they stack up on me, it can get to me. Well, this week was just one of those weeks. I have felt a combination of emotions that ranged from feeling completely useless to just plain mad. I am afraid my poor husband has caught much of the brunt of it but I tell him to be proud because he doesn’t realize how much I DON’T say! I don’t think I have convinced him yet that he should be proud of that. I am afraid a negative attitude is still a negative attitude – even when you keep some of it inside.
During times like this, which thankfully are not very often, I always decide that I need counseling! So, I get my preachy tone going on in my head and I start chewing myself out and telling me to straighten up. I remind myself of the many wonderful things God has granted in my life. I tell me that my children are watching me so I need to be an example. I start thinking of all the things I am thankful for. This formula helps me every single time, but this time the thing that helped me the most was a line from a Christmas song.
“Do you see what I see…” made me stop and think about that question. I know what I saw. I saw two awesome boats that I would have loved to have toured with my friends and family but were completely inaccessible. I saw a downstairs basement that needs several handyman projects that I know how to do and want to do, but can’t do them very effectively because I can’t reach them! I saw my husband trying to catch up a mountain of laundry that should be my job. I saw an awesome door-to-door outreach going on at our church but know the reality of me getting to most doors is out of the question. I saw all these “problems” with paralysis that really frustrated me. I even looked in the mirror and saw a paraplegic with a rotten attitude and I don’t like her at all!
Through that song, it hit me how very self-centered I was. Do I see what I see? Yes, I do. Way too clearly! That is my problem. Then, I could hear the Lord asking me that question. “Alicia, do you see what I see?” No, I don’t and that is also my problem. My vision gets so nearsighted sometimes! I wonder what God sees. I have asked God to let me view this world the way that He does and to please use me to be a vessel to reach others. When He heard me pray and ask for those things from Him, did He see that it would involve the very things that have me frustrated this week?
When we ask God for these spiritual things, I am afraid we have visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads. Successful ministries, a perfectly ordered house, children who get tucked in every single night with a Bible story, high heels and aprons and the Martha Stewart award, and no miscarriages….or sickness….or death….or bankruptcy….or cheating spouses….or rebellious children…or paralyzed bodies. But God sees something different.
God sees His creation that is tormented with the effects of sin. God sees that Satan cannot have the victory in the life of His children. God sees that when we trust Him, He can take that torment and bring about a glorious victory in our lives. God sees that Satan’s vision of us will be blinded and He will turn our ashes into something beautiful. God sees His struggling child and He has pity on us and reaches out in compassion and mercy. God sees abundant grace that He loves to bestow on us when we need it the most. God sees a gal in a wheelchair down here struggling with a bad attitude and He lets the words of a little Christmas song touch her heart just when she needs it.
I am so thankful that God does not see me the way I see me. I am so thankful that He sees me through His vision for me. I am so thankful that He doesn’t respond to me the way I respond to myself sometimes. I am so thankful that He does not ride my emotional roller coaster. I am so thankful that when I am having a bad day week, He is not. And I am so thankful for a little Christmas song to remind me to keep my eyes on Christ and to focus on what He sees in my life.
Do you see what I have seen? I hope so.
Alicia Reagan 
Wonderful as always and just what I need to read tonight! You are such a blessing!
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Thank you Cheraya. Praying for you and thank you for praying for me!
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I’m sorry you have had it rough! Thank you so much for watching our children today. You are just as much a part of the outreach that went on today as we were! We couldn’t have done it with our kids in tow. (I hope they were good, and didn’t add to your bad attitude! lol) I love you!
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Your kids were precious! They helped me “fold” laundry. It was so cute!! It is hard to keep a bad attitude with such cuties around!! 🙂 I love you too!!
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God bless you Alicia!! This helped me so much! What a testimony! Praise the Lord!
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you cannot imagine {or maybe you can :)} how much I needed to read this today. thank you for sharing how Gd spoke to your heart… and reminding us that God does not see us as we do!
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I am so glad it was a help to you! I definitely needed it myself!! I always write to make my lessons from God more concrete in my own heart. Thank you for commenting!!
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Oh Alicia…..thanks for reminding me!!! This time of year is always hard when we remember what we were able to do…and now we have to “sit” back….and watch or not even be able to participate 😦 I have a hard time with that “perfection” illness….and I have to remind myself that it does not have to be perfect. Jesus was not born in a perfect place… If the Christmas lights pick up on a little dust bunny on the floor it will have a sparkle on it too!! Praying you have a great week!!!
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Norma, your words are so true. I love you dear friend! I am glad the Lord let our paths cross!!
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Good blog mama! I love you!
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Thank you Briley. I love you too!!
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I love you more!
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I don’t think that would every be possible Sweetheart. You are all wrapped up in my heart.
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Thank you Alicia for being brave enough to blog some of your most private thoughts and actions. Looks like I wasn’t the only one having a rough week. The concussion has left me quite an emotional mess. A basket case is one good term for it. I feel like I now have a glimpse of what a bipolar person must feel like. Intense emotions that swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. This has been going on for a while and is slowly getting better. Most of my family understands and is patient. I apologize and they accept it saying they know I can’t help it. Still, it hurts me when I’m not nice to anyone. It’s not who I am. I am thankful God gave me such a loving family that is there for me when I break down crying because every little thing overwhelms me and I can’t understand why. There have been many days of frustration because I too, find myself not being able to do things I want to… and so I pray. I pray for healing and for a Godly spirit. I pray and thank God for the healing that I have received so far and for His help in the long road to recovery, from the concussion, that is ahead of me. I look at what others are dealing with and pray for them. I thank God for his loving protection. Due to the concussion and the memory issues that go along with it, I have forgotten to take medication and I have also taken medication twice because I didn’t remember that I had already taken it. I thank God for my doctor who is so patient with me and gently reminds me that I’m not incompetent like I feel, but that my brain was injured and just needs time to heal. It will get better. This at 10:30 at night while she is on her way home from the office. God has protected me in spite of me. What a loving God. God sees us differently then we see ourselves. He created us in his image. He loves us. We are worthy to him even when we feel so unworthy and so unlovable. What an amazing God we have.
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Glori, I have been praying for you! Just get your rest and allow your body to heal. It will come in time! I will pray specifically for stability for you!!
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Great post! Thanks for being so “real” and for reminding us to see things through God’s eyes! What a difference that is when we look at ourselves and our lives His way!
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Amen.
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