I have seen so many beautiful written pieces about what our mother’s have meant to us. I enjoy reading them! It is the time of year where all the sentiments about motherhood spring up like the flowers around us. For me, I will always be thankful for the love my own mother gave me throughout my childhood. I also know that my own children will be thinking of their own ways to show and tell me that they love me. But, today I want to write to my children about what mother’s day means to me.
I have a bunch of you – you know! Briley, you reminded me just last night that in a couple of months, you will all be 16, 14, 12, 10, 8, and 6. I can’t believe that is true! It was just yesterday when your daddy and I walked in the door of our home with our very first baby and I promptly set down and bawled my eyes out. I was too young to be a mom! This was too much responsibility! We should have thought this through longer! I was probably going to kill you or at least raise absolute heathens! I had no clue what I had gotten myself into and it all hit me – right then and there – as we walked in the door of our home on Oak Street. Your daddy compassionately shared that it was too late to have all those thoughts. He was right, so I was doomed to destroy your lives.
All these years later, I still feel like that many times. I look at your beautiful faces and I pray, “Oh God, please help me to do this right!!” Sometimes, I look at your ornery faces and pray, “Oh God, please help me not to kill them!” 🙂 There is no way that I still feel “old enough” to be your mom. I am sure there are times when you are convinced I am not old enough. Embarrassing you really is fun at times!
Many times, I am a bluff job. I have to act like the mom and that I know exactly what I am doing until I figure out how to handle something right. Many times, I don’t bluff and I come off at you – all totally wrong!! I handle things unfairly, I am too quick to judge you, or I am careless about what is important to you and don’t pay enough attention.
My sweet young’uns, you have taught me WAY more about life than I have ever taught you. When I have blown it, you have taught me how easily you forgive. When I have a bad day, you have taught me what compassion looks like. When I have been sad, you taught me how to smile. When I have been happy, you taught me the joy of joining in the fun that is around you. You have been an example to me that has helped me more than I will ever be able to write.
As you have grown up, I always wanted you to be able to speak your mind. We have had to work on learning how to do that respectfully (all of us have had to learn that together). I wanted you to learn to stand up for what you truly believe in. I want you to never compromise to make others happy but to know who you are and know how to discuss hard things with others who may not agree. As you are getting older, that has come back to bite me some because you do not always agree with me and will tell me so. This bites! How dare you question me!!! Through this, we are learning. We are learning that we don’t have to always agree. We love and respect one another anyway because we are family. You are actually demonstrating the very thing I have tried to teach you! I am so thankful for the strong beautiful adults you are becoming. I have learned to listen to your perspective and you listen to mine. Together we make a much stronger unit with our unique perspectives. Together. I really, really like that word.
Some of my very favorite times are when we are having our “bedroom” talks where you all take turns to come in and talk to me about what is either bothering you, or what you are dwelling on or planning for. I love it when you all say, “Mom, can I talk to you?” It makes me feel like you trust me. You trust me with your feelings, your heart and your dreams. I want to earn your trust. I want to keep that trust. You teach me that it is good to trust and good to share our feelings in a safe place. I am so honored that I am one of your safe places.
I sit at our table and look at all of you sometimes and I let my imagination carry me away to 20 years in the future. You all are grown, married and probably have kids of your own. I will want to control your lives – I know I will!! But I won’t. I promise. The love and care that we all show for each other, will still be there. We will disagree. That’s okay. We will get upset. That’s okay. We will laugh and make memories. That’s okay. We won’t live in a drama zone. We will love and appreciate every single time we are together. By the way, the one fight I love to hear you all have is over who gets to take care of me when I am old. My heart swells so much it about bursts!
You all remind me every day that I am not sufficient for all of your needs. I know my weaknesses. I know my failures. I know that I fall very short of what a perfect mom should be. But that is good. It teaches you that I am not the answer to all of your problems. I am just your imperfect mom. However, we both are learning that God is there to guide us, lead us, show us, strengthen us, and comfort us when no one else can. If I can teach you to always turn to God, then I will have accomplished something great in your lives.
You all are my best friends. I enjoy every day with you. You make me laugh. You brighten every day. You are my teachers in how to be a mom. I always pray that you keep teaching me what it means to be a mom.
Thank you, my precious ones, for making me a mom. Thank you for making every single day a “Happy Mother’s Day!”
I love you Briley, Caleb, Isaiah, Audrey, Macey and Elisha Reagan!